Trip to Scotland and Ireland

Part I

Wednesday, August 15th

In April of this year, it became my manly intention to travel to Edinburgh, Scotland, followed by a cool down in Ireland.  I say cool down because the first week spent in Edinburgh would be dipping my body and soul into the Fringe Festival, an enormous festival that lasts the entire month of August and one that hosts some of the finest comedy, theater and music a creature can find.

This year, my friends Dave and Chris Walsh are performing in the festival in a show of their own design.  Other Boston natives bringing their own shows to Edinburgh are Wendy Kinal, Andy O’Fiesh, Brian Longwell and Jimmy Tingle (even Scotland had to feel what it’s like to get tangled with the Tingle). 

Upon leaving the house, I said my goodbyes to my roommate Ali’s pristine pooch, Poncho and drove to my friend Tom’s granite shop in Dorchester.  Tom shares space with a demolition company which makes for an interesting atmosphere.  Here I would leave my car for two weeks among granite slabs, demolition machines that could be in any of the Terminator movies, other brutal construction vehicles and a slightly higher crime rate.  Upon reflection, perhaps not the best place to leave my car for any amount of time but let’s hope for the best on that one.  Tom drove me to the airport where we exchanged genuine and rugged hugs that were laced with goodbyes. 

As I waited to board my plane, I realized that people applaud either something they like or due to the absence of something they detest.  I was fortunate enough to observe the latter after some chucklehead walked through a security door that set off an unending alarm.  The alarm’s inability to stop combined with the fact that the pitch was so high that it would cause a dinosaur to lose the ability to create offspring made for an annoying endeavor.  Once a Level 17 Genius who had the proper training in turning off an alarm was located, the foolishness came to an end and people began to applaud.  I did not applaud for I can not tolerate such things.  People that applaud simply when a noise stops deserve to be placed in the same terrible room that houses people that applaud after a movie has ended. 

Thursday, August 16th

Due to my cheapness, I had to digest an 11-hour layover in Shannon, Ireland.  It seemed like the right move at the time of my flight booking but now I had to pay for my previous actions.  I decided to take a bus to Bunratty, a nearby town that boasted an interesting castle.  It was seven in the morning and I was the first person on the bus, eager to pay the driver with my crisp, new 50 Euro dollar bill.  The bus driver did not hide his disappointment at the disproportionate ratio between the small bus fare and my large bill.  After grumbling, he magically produced the change.  Right after me, a woman approached the driver.  Judging from his reaction, I think she handed him a 10,000 dollar bill. 

The bus driver was ripped.  “I’m not a bank!”

No matter how the woman defended herself, all he had to say was, “I’m not a bank!”  At one point, he became so flustered that he said, “I’m a bank!”

I was starting to see some deep, psychological repression bubble up.  I think as a child this bus driver so badly yearned to be a bank.  As he grew older, he realized he could never be a bank.  While all of his friends were completing their dreams of becoming fireman and lumberjacks and cardboard box-makers, this man was crying into his pillow, knowing he could not be a bank.  The only way to cope with the pain was to tell people, “I’m not a bank!”

Once in Bunratty, I walked around this little town aimlessly, trying to find an open restaurant or café, looking like the village idiot.  It began to rain so I took cover underneath a little alcove, outside a pub.  I looked around me and saw cigarette butts and a few half-filled pints of beer.  It amazed me that even though this area was exposed to the outside elements, I could still smell old, stale smoke. 

When the pub owner came outside, I asked him for a good place to eat and he kindly directed me down the street to a hotel.  I soon found myself face to face with an Irish breakfast buffet.  I showed my edible adversary no mercy.  A buffet is no time for manners or restraint.  You eat like this is the last culinary request you’ll be making before going to the electric chair.  My father would sometimes say, “Take all you want.  Eat all you take.”  I did so.

After breakfast, I entered the Bunratty Castle complex.  The manor dates back to the 1200’s and the castle to the 1500’s.  Surrounding the castle were various cottages, shops and other structures that give visitors a taste of this past life.  Inside many of these buildings were people dressed in outfits of the time.  The great thing was that most of them didn’t even try to stay in character.

For example, the gent that was dressed like a court jester said, “Okay guys, check this out…if you were a lad back in the day, you would get paid to marry your spouse.  When this happened, they put all the woman’s gifts and possessions in this big wooden chest.  So she might have her CD’s and Xbox in there.  Guys, check this old chest out.  It was built in the 1500’s.  It’s pretty sweet.” 

With the lack of sleep catching up to me, I passed out on a picnic table somewhere in the castle manor, hoping that other tourists would confuse me for another, terrible character employee of Bunratty Castle. 

I eventually made my way back to Shannon Airport and boarded a plane that brought me to Edinburgh.  After figuring out how to make it into the center of the city, I got on a bus, disembarked and walked over to the apartment that was headquarters for the Walsh Brothers, Andy O’Fiesh, Wendy Kinal and her performance partner Barbara.  I was surprised by the American spaciousness and European finery of the place.  There was enough room for all of my characters to live here and have families…comfortably. 

Barbara gave me a well-executed tour of the “flat” and then led me over to Andy’s show.  I was now effectively reunited with Wendy, Andy, Chris and Dave.  I was giving out man hugs like a squirrel giving out nuts, a generous squirrel that had no more use for nuts. 

Now would probably be a good time to mention the nature of Andy’s show.  It is a show filled to the brim with nature.  The title of the show, The Naked Comedy Showcase, suggests that nudity is a prerequisite of the performers and it is. 

Among the performers that night was none other than Chris Walsh.  In the audience that night was a man so moved by Chris’ performance, he felt compelled to buy Chris a drink after the show.  After this information was relayed to me, I walked over to Chris and said, “Some dude wants to buy your penis a drink.” 

I then walked out to the bar area and was introduced to a 60-something year-old, gay English chap that was thrilled to be talking to the Walsh Brothers.  I was thrilled to observe this event from the periphery. 

Later on, a fella from LA joined our group by the name of Kirk Fox.  He was the co-winner of the Best Stand Up Comedy Award at the Aspen Comedy Festival and on August 28th, will be filming his “Comedy Central Presents” special.  Although a co-winner, he was a sole owner of a mustache that was more exciting than a knife fight.  This mustache could have a career of its own.  Forget “Comedy Central Presents, Kirk Fox”, I want to see “Comedy Central Presents, An Amazing Mustache”.  I want to see what that mustache can do with 30 minutes of premium stage time.  A lot is my guess.

The other winner of the Best Stand Up Comedy Award at Aspen was none other than friend and Boston comic, Shane Mauss.  Here you think I’m going to tell you about how delightful the Scottish culture is and how moved I was when I felt my first breeze in Edinburgh and then I lay down a stimulating comedy connection like that.  Heavy.

Kirk sure was an interesting pile of dude.  Besides being equipped with his bold, varsity mustache, he could lay down the industry talk like no one’s business.  No one!  I actually picked up a few interesting tidbits from the man.

On the way home, Wendy and I had a hand stand contest which helped usher in some late night hunger that was cured by some late night take-out.  It was close to five in the morning by the time we discovered sleep.

PART II